Women's Compact Instruction Booklet

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Remember that you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
5. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
10. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
11. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
20. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh, alright, I'll stay the night."
22. Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.
23. Remember that a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.
24. If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him no, you're just practicing.
25. Sadly, all men are created equal.
26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him, "You may be; you look familiar."

1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal -- on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS. Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. All him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not that time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at your favorite makeup counter at your favorite exclusive department store on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage.
5. Minimize the noise. If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
6. Some DON'TS. Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.
7. Make him comfortable. Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him, but don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment. Go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase, "Girls' Night Out!"
10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong; it revolves around you.